25 of Joan Rivers’ Best Jokes

This is an archived article and the information in the article may be outdated. Please look at the time stamp on the story to see when it was last updated.

When Joan Rivers had her star-making 1965 appearance on Johnny Carson's "Tonight Show," he told her, "God, you're funny."

The marquee of the Improv is seen in memory of comedian Joan Rivers Thursday, Sept. 4, 2014, in Los Angeles. (Credit:Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

The marquee of the Improv is seen in memory of comedian Joan Rivers Thursday, Sept. 4, 2014, in Los Angeles. (Credit:Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

That, there is no doubt, she was.

Sometimes her wit was self-deprecating; other times it was directed, like claws, at other targets.

But, as she said, she was put on Earth to make us laugh.

Complete Coverage: Joan Rivers

Here are a few of Rivers' best jokes.

On growing up:

- I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, "I don't believe it."

- My mother never told me a thing. I asked my mother, "Where am I from? She gave me a fake address in Cleveland."

- I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

- I was so flat, I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here."

On home life:

- I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.

- I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get off my property."

- Grandchildren can be annoying -- how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

On her love life:

- I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

- All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

- Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade.

- I have no sex appeal -- if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.

- My best birth control now is to just leave the lights on.

- My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

- I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

- My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese: most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

On aging and plastic surgery:

- Looking 50 is great -- if you're 60.

- When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

- My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

- I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.

- I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

On reputations and stereotypes:

- A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp.

- It was a Jewish porno film: One minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.

- I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. (Note: Rivers went to Barnard, the women's college affiliated with Columbia, and was extremely well-read.)

On death:

- My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

- At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

More Video:

Notice: you are using an outdated browser. Microsoft does not recommend using IE as your default browser. Some features on this website, like video and images, might not work properly. For the best experience, please upgrade your browser.